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Monday, April 30, 2012
Our Son
His is a beautiful and precious gift from God, and I am so in love with this child. He is grieving the loss of his foster parents very hard, and I would appreciate your prayers as we begin the long journey of attachment and healing with our sweet son. We are so very blessed.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Up Up and Away!!
Amanda
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Our Attachment Plan
Imagine for a moment that you are pulled from everything familiar and dropped into a life that is completely Unfamiliar:
You look around. You are in a remote place in the middle of what seems like nowhere in particular. You have no maps or signs to tell you where you are. Suddenly you are surrounded by strangers, all of whom are overjoyed to see you. These people smile, laugh, and talk loud and fast, and they act as if you can understand them. They touch your hair, your face, and your shoulders, and they hug you repeatedly. You notice they have a peculiar odor. They dress differently from anyone you have ever met. Their language is unintelligible and sounds like gibberish. You have no clue how or why you are here. You have no idea if you will ever find your way back to your former life. [Do you feel tense yet?]
You feel hands beginning to remove clothing, and there, in public, these strangers dress you in new garments. Some people appear to be assessing you, sizing you up, looking at your hair and teeth closely and noting any moles or scars on your body. You are given strange food and invited to play unfamiliar games. You are handed a container of strange liquid and encouraged to drink. Everyone continues to laugh and smile and act as though this were a perfectly ordinary and normal situation. (Excerpt taken from "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child" by Patty Cogen).
This is not a post I have looked forward to writing but one we believe is necessary to share before bringing Taylor home in the next few weeks (hopefully sooner rather than later). We are sooo excited about becoming a family of three very soon but have learned through discussions with numerous other adoptive parents, meetings with our social workers (in both AL and LA), and research concerning international adoption and the transition process. We have made some decisions based on all of this information about how we are going to care for Taylor during those first weeks/months when he comes home. (Some of the following information has been borrowed from others who have gone through the adoption process but is completely in line with our thoughts/plans.)
The issues surrounding attachment, bonding, and cocooning can be sensitive and controversial. I want to be very clear that this is how our family is doing things, and that we have landed here after many hours of research, training, and prayer. Our views could change. These standards that we are planning to follow are not our Bible. However, at the moment, this is where we land, and we feel confident, at this time, in the conclusions we have come to. It is not necessarily the best plan, but we do feel it is the best plan for our family at this time. We are dedicated to taking extreme measures during the first critical weeks of introducing Taylor into our family. The first six weeks at home will be spent in a cocoon. Our plan is subject to change as we get to know Taylor on a deeper level and as we feel out how our family is melding together.
In her book mentioned above, Patty Cogen says that "no matter how wonderful international adoption is for a parent, it is a surreal and stressful experience for a child." Absolutely adoption is a gift from God as a means for bringing orphaned children into loving families (with His much bigger gift of adoption in redeeming a sinful people and bringing them into a relationship with Him as "His own children"...but I digress ;). We do not want to make adoption sound that an awful experience and certainly do not want to deter anyone to adopt....we are obviously big advocates!! But, we do want to be realistic about what to expect during those first several weeks/months so that we can prepare to love him well. We are honored and blessed that God would allow us to be the parents of this amazing little guy and are getting prepared as best we can for this critical transition period. So, without further ado...
Our Attachment Plan (Much of this has been borrowed and tweaked from others):
* For the first six weeks that we are home with Taylor, our home will be our cocoon. We will not be welcoming any visitors at this time - family or otherwise - and we will not be going out. An exception will be made for doctor appointments as these are very important for Taylor to attend. Our cocoon has the potential to extend if need be.
* Michael will resume going to work as soon as he needs to, but will try to stay home at least the first couple of days. After Michael has gone back to work and I am home with Taylor, I will be very conscientious to not take too many phone calls during the day. We will do everything we can to make our home quiet and calm and structured without over-stimulation - such as excessive activity, toys, etc. We have learned that structure and routine bring comfort to adopted children during this transition phase.
* All of my attention will be devoted to Taylor during the day to work on bonding/attachment to teach him who his mommy is (and who his daddy is when Michael is home with us).
* Taylor will be carried in a carrier for the first several weeks that he is home, as much as possible pending it is comforting to him (children in Korea are typically carried in a sling or pack for up to the first three yeares of life). Physical contact is one of the best ways to bond, and it will help Taylor begin to develop trust in us. Carrying him will help him to know our smell, our heartbeat, our language, and familiarize him with his two primary care givers - Mom and Dad.
* Taylor will likely be cosleeping with us (or with me on a pallet on the floor depending on needs) so that we are always there with him when he wakes up (as many children are reported to have frequent nightmares and night terrors during the first few months home). As time goes by and Taylor becomes more securely attached we will slowly transition him to independent sleeping, but we will come very quickly when he cries. He will never be left to cry it out. We want him to understand that we are always going to take care of him and that he can trust us to meet his needs.
* Michael and I will be the only people to hold Taylor during the initial 6 weeks. We want him to understand our role in his life and how it is different than anybody else that he encounters. Only when he has securely attached to us will we begin allowing others to show him affection of any kind (as long as we know he is comfortable with it).
* After the initial 6 weeks (or more depending on how he is doing) we will slowly start to shed our cocoon. We will go out of the house to places with little stimuli at first and gradually introduce him to more and more of our world and the people who love him.
* At least for these first 6 six weeks, Michael and I will be the only ones to provide for Taylor's four most basic caretaking functions, including feeding, changing, bathing, and putting to sleep. We will do this in an attempt to establish ourselves as Taylor's primary caregivers to ensure he does not "mommy shop," a tendency of children newly adopted when numerous people are caring for them.
So there it is, our attachment plan. I am sure it seems overwhelming and excessive to some. For sure this will be exhausting and taxing. We cannot do it without the grace of God. Even if you think we are crazy (at times I am sure we will feel the same), we ask for your support and understanding, knowing that we did not arrive at this place lightly. We have spent much time preparing, planning, and praying about what this should look like and feel this is the best plan for now. We have never heard of a family that has cocooned and followed an attachment plan and regretted doing it, but we have heard of several who have regretted not doing it.
These first critical weeks are vital to transitioning Taylor's attachment from his foster mom/family to Michael and I, and we are praying for him constantly as God is preparing his heart for healthy grieving and as smooth a transition as possible. Thank you for your support. We are so very excited to introduce him to all of you and will let you know when he is ready for meeting his new family/friends! I will, of course, try to keep the blog updated in the beginning so that you can follow our new family's growth during all of this newness (and to give me some connection with the outside world!).
With love,
Michael and Amanda
** And here are a couple of new pictures of Tay (he is one cool dude)!! We cannot wait to hold him in our arms and welcome him into our family forever! We are sooooo close!
+03.29.12.JPG)
+03.29.12.JPG)
You look around. You are in a remote place in the middle of what seems like nowhere in particular. You have no maps or signs to tell you where you are. Suddenly you are surrounded by strangers, all of whom are overjoyed to see you. These people smile, laugh, and talk loud and fast, and they act as if you can understand them. They touch your hair, your face, and your shoulders, and they hug you repeatedly. You notice they have a peculiar odor. They dress differently from anyone you have ever met. Their language is unintelligible and sounds like gibberish. You have no clue how or why you are here. You have no idea if you will ever find your way back to your former life. [Do you feel tense yet?]
You feel hands beginning to remove clothing, and there, in public, these strangers dress you in new garments. Some people appear to be assessing you, sizing you up, looking at your hair and teeth closely and noting any moles or scars on your body. You are given strange food and invited to play unfamiliar games. You are handed a container of strange liquid and encouraged to drink. Everyone continues to laugh and smile and act as though this were a perfectly ordinary and normal situation. (Excerpt taken from "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child" by Patty Cogen).
This is not a post I have looked forward to writing but one we believe is necessary to share before bringing Taylor home in the next few weeks (hopefully sooner rather than later). We are sooo excited about becoming a family of three very soon but have learned through discussions with numerous other adoptive parents, meetings with our social workers (in both AL and LA), and research concerning international adoption and the transition process. We have made some decisions based on all of this information about how we are going to care for Taylor during those first weeks/months when he comes home. (Some of the following information has been borrowed from others who have gone through the adoption process but is completely in line with our thoughts/plans.)
The issues surrounding attachment, bonding, and cocooning can be sensitive and controversial. I want to be very clear that this is how our family is doing things, and that we have landed here after many hours of research, training, and prayer. Our views could change. These standards that we are planning to follow are not our Bible. However, at the moment, this is where we land, and we feel confident, at this time, in the conclusions we have come to. It is not necessarily the best plan, but we do feel it is the best plan for our family at this time. We are dedicated to taking extreme measures during the first critical weeks of introducing Taylor into our family. The first six weeks at home will be spent in a cocoon. Our plan is subject to change as we get to know Taylor on a deeper level and as we feel out how our family is melding together.
In her book mentioned above, Patty Cogen says that "no matter how wonderful international adoption is for a parent, it is a surreal and stressful experience for a child." Absolutely adoption is a gift from God as a means for bringing orphaned children into loving families (with His much bigger gift of adoption in redeeming a sinful people and bringing them into a relationship with Him as "His own children"...but I digress ;). We do not want to make adoption sound that an awful experience and certainly do not want to deter anyone to adopt....we are obviously big advocates!! But, we do want to be realistic about what to expect during those first several weeks/months so that we can prepare to love him well. We are honored and blessed that God would allow us to be the parents of this amazing little guy and are getting prepared as best we can for this critical transition period. So, without further ado...
Our Attachment Plan (Much of this has been borrowed and tweaked from others):
* For the first six weeks that we are home with Taylor, our home will be our cocoon. We will not be welcoming any visitors at this time - family or otherwise - and we will not be going out. An exception will be made for doctor appointments as these are very important for Taylor to attend. Our cocoon has the potential to extend if need be.
* Michael will resume going to work as soon as he needs to, but will try to stay home at least the first couple of days. After Michael has gone back to work and I am home with Taylor, I will be very conscientious to not take too many phone calls during the day. We will do everything we can to make our home quiet and calm and structured without over-stimulation - such as excessive activity, toys, etc. We have learned that structure and routine bring comfort to adopted children during this transition phase.
* All of my attention will be devoted to Taylor during the day to work on bonding/attachment to teach him who his mommy is (and who his daddy is when Michael is home with us).
* Taylor will be carried in a carrier for the first several weeks that he is home, as much as possible pending it is comforting to him (children in Korea are typically carried in a sling or pack for up to the first three yeares of life). Physical contact is one of the best ways to bond, and it will help Taylor begin to develop trust in us. Carrying him will help him to know our smell, our heartbeat, our language, and familiarize him with his two primary care givers - Mom and Dad.
* Taylor will likely be cosleeping with us (or with me on a pallet on the floor depending on needs) so that we are always there with him when he wakes up (as many children are reported to have frequent nightmares and night terrors during the first few months home). As time goes by and Taylor becomes more securely attached we will slowly transition him to independent sleeping, but we will come very quickly when he cries. He will never be left to cry it out. We want him to understand that we are always going to take care of him and that he can trust us to meet his needs.
* Michael and I will be the only people to hold Taylor during the initial 6 weeks. We want him to understand our role in his life and how it is different than anybody else that he encounters. Only when he has securely attached to us will we begin allowing others to show him affection of any kind (as long as we know he is comfortable with it).
* After the initial 6 weeks (or more depending on how he is doing) we will slowly start to shed our cocoon. We will go out of the house to places with little stimuli at first and gradually introduce him to more and more of our world and the people who love him.
* At least for these first 6 six weeks, Michael and I will be the only ones to provide for Taylor's four most basic caretaking functions, including feeding, changing, bathing, and putting to sleep. We will do this in an attempt to establish ourselves as Taylor's primary caregivers to ensure he does not "mommy shop," a tendency of children newly adopted when numerous people are caring for them.
So there it is, our attachment plan. I am sure it seems overwhelming and excessive to some. For sure this will be exhausting and taxing. We cannot do it without the grace of God. Even if you think we are crazy (at times I am sure we will feel the same), we ask for your support and understanding, knowing that we did not arrive at this place lightly. We have spent much time preparing, planning, and praying about what this should look like and feel this is the best plan for now. We have never heard of a family that has cocooned and followed an attachment plan and regretted doing it, but we have heard of several who have regretted not doing it.
These first critical weeks are vital to transitioning Taylor's attachment from his foster mom/family to Michael and I, and we are praying for him constantly as God is preparing his heart for healthy grieving and as smooth a transition as possible. Thank you for your support. We are so very excited to introduce him to all of you and will let you know when he is ready for meeting his new family/friends! I will, of course, try to keep the blog updated in the beginning so that you can follow our new family's growth during all of this newness (and to give me some connection with the outside world!).
With love,
Michael and Amanda
** And here are a couple of new pictures of Tay (he is one cool dude)!! We cannot wait to hold him in our arms and welcome him into our family forever! We are sooooo close!
+03.29.12.JPG)
+03.29.12.JPG)
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Watching and Waiting
We are still here, and we are still waiting. I almost titled this blog post "The Family Who Cried Wolf" because I feel like we keep saying 'we are so close, we are so close' and then silence. Taylor's emmigration permit (i.e. passport) was approved on March 26. We were told to expect travel call to come between two and four weeks from then. Today marks two weeks and one day, so we are right in the middle of the estimated time of travel. I am not sure why, but last week I truly expected to hear news of travel call (TC) or at least that his Visa Interview (the final stamp before his one-way visa is issued) was scheduled, which would indicate we are 1-3 days from receiving TC. HOWEVER, last Thursday I received an email saying that the agency staff in Korea were going through Tay's paperwork and noticed they had misplaced a document needed to send his paperwork to the embassy and that we had to have it redone and sent asap to prevent further delays. I feel like we have hung tough for most of this process with the waiting and unknowns, but this one hit me pretty hard. I was expecting travel call, not "we have not even sent your paperwork to the embassy yet and have lost a document that you will have to redo for us to be able to proceed." So, I had to reschedule my patients (thanking God for the flexibility in my job), drive home to print off the missing forms, bring them to be notarized, and meet Michael 'just in time' at the post office for him to sign and overnight the package to our agency in Oregon with the hopes that it will make it there in time to be sent with the weekly mail sent out to Korea on Friday afternoons. But we did it...our redone forms were sent on their way to Korea on Friday afternoon and expected to arrive Monday or Tuesday of this week. We are not sure what this means for travel time but are hoping that when they receive this document Taylor's packet will be sent to the embassy for approval and (hopefully) quick travel approval. Needless to say, I am emotionally wiped out and a little discouraged. I am ready to go get my little boy and feel like we have waited long enough. But I know that His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. He was not caught off-guard by this paperwork mishap and is sovereign over the processing of this adoption. From past trials of my life, I know that God's Word is the only rock to stand on and that it is living and active (Heb 4:12). I know that His grace is sufficient for me and His power made perfect in weakness (2 Cor 12:9-10), so I pray that God gets great glory as we continue along this road.
I am sure many of you are wondering why I always put scripture throughout a lot of my posts. The answer is simple: This is where I find rest and peace, power and strength to keep pushing on when there are ups and downs along the way during this adoption process. I know and have experienced that the Truth really does set me free (John 8:32)!! So here we are, watching and waiting, somewhat anxiously if I am being totally honest, for God to make the way for us to bring Taylor home. Below is the verse that has been on my heart the most over these past couple of weeks. I ask that you pray that we would stand firm on these truths and that God may be glorified in our journey.
Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
(Isaiah 40:28-31 ESV)
Until next time, Amanda
I am sure many of you are wondering why I always put scripture throughout a lot of my posts. The answer is simple: This is where I find rest and peace, power and strength to keep pushing on when there are ups and downs along the way during this adoption process. I know and have experienced that the Truth really does set me free (John 8:32)!! So here we are, watching and waiting, somewhat anxiously if I am being totally honest, for God to make the way for us to bring Taylor home. Below is the verse that has been on my heart the most over these past couple of weeks. I ask that you pray that we would stand firm on these truths and that God may be glorified in our journey.
Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
(Isaiah 40:28-31 ESV)
Until next time, Amanda
Monday, April 2, 2012
Riding the Rollercoaster...
I know it has been a while since I have updated everyone on how our adoption is going, and we have been asked by several people, "How much longer until you get to go get him?" or "It seems like the dates keep changing and getting pushed back. Do you think you will get him any time soon?" Well, you know the rollercoaster at Six Flags that goes upside down (was that Six Flags? who knows)? Well, it goes upside down in the forward direction, then in the backwards direction and kind of lingers there going back a forth a few times at the bottom of the loop, then takes off going forward really quickly. So, we are in that lingering part of this adoption rollercoaster ride. As stated in my previous post (the one I posted lightyears ago), Taylor was in fact submitted in the first batch of EPs (emigration permits...basically applying for approval from Korean Ministry so that a visa can be issued)...that was March 5. We were told to expect approval of the EPs during the following 1-2 weeks; however, we did not get approval until this past Monday, March 26.
Soooo, I am so glad to say that the next step in the process is the travel call, which we were told to expect 2-4 weeks from last Monday. A sister agency has already starting giving travel calls, and, as I type this, there are 3-4 families that I know of who are on a plane right now headed to Seoul to bring home their sweet children! We are watching their journeys via their blogs and praying for them as they enter a much-awaited phase of their lives (some have been waiting as long as 3 years!). Our adoption agency has informed us that they expect the first travel calls to begin the second week of April. I have basically been refreshing my email inbox every 15 minutes since then between the times of 6 PM (8 am SK time) and Friday afternoon for new information about travel calls and when they will start issuing travel visas (i.e. passports), which usually indicates 1-2 days until you get "The Call." And we are so ready! Really, I have one large suitcase filled with toddler toys, clothes, medicines (hoping we will not need them), etc. for our precious two-year old. The second suitcase if filled with gifts for an amazing foster mom, foster father, foster siblings (adult children of foster parents who are helping care for him), Holt social worker, our tour bus driver, the MDs and nurse who have been caring for our little one each month during well-baby checkups, etc. I am already learning that Taylor's stuff takes up all of the space. Everything of mine is in a backpack carryon ;) Carseats are installed, room is ready, vitamins are being taken (anticipating we will need just a 'little' boost of extra energy these next few weeks)! All we need now is the green light for travel!
Please pray for our little guy and his foster family as we are nearing that bittersweet family day! It has been one year last Friday since we were matched with our sweet boy. So many emotions that we know we need God's grace and peace and wisdom to navigate these next several weeks. I hope to sit down and write a better blog in the next few days and certainly as we get that travel call and spend some time in S Korea meeting and getting to know Taylor and seeing is birth country. There is so much more to tell about a precious friend who will be traveling with me (Michael is unable due to extenuating circumstances), the story of my getting time off from work, our plans for attachment, etc. So, until then, God bless!
Amanda
P.S. Oh yea, we are back in Louisiana! I miss Birmingham so much it hurts sometimes because we were so blessed/spoiled by God with such an amazing faith family and friends that demonstrate radical obediance and abandonment for the sake of the gospel on a regular basis, but we are enjoying being back around family and friends here on our home turf and being able to catch up with friends. We are working on getting plugged into a local church here and looking for an area to plant ourselves for at least the next few years :) I mean, who knows where God will send us!
Soooo, I am so glad to say that the next step in the process is the travel call, which we were told to expect 2-4 weeks from last Monday. A sister agency has already starting giving travel calls, and, as I type this, there are 3-4 families that I know of who are on a plane right now headed to Seoul to bring home their sweet children! We are watching their journeys via their blogs and praying for them as they enter a much-awaited phase of their lives (some have been waiting as long as 3 years!). Our adoption agency has informed us that they expect the first travel calls to begin the second week of April. I have basically been refreshing my email inbox every 15 minutes since then between the times of 6 PM (8 am SK time) and Friday afternoon for new information about travel calls and when they will start issuing travel visas (i.e. passports), which usually indicates 1-2 days until you get "The Call." And we are so ready! Really, I have one large suitcase filled with toddler toys, clothes, medicines (hoping we will not need them), etc. for our precious two-year old. The second suitcase if filled with gifts for an amazing foster mom, foster father, foster siblings (adult children of foster parents who are helping care for him), Holt social worker, our tour bus driver, the MDs and nurse who have been caring for our little one each month during well-baby checkups, etc. I am already learning that Taylor's stuff takes up all of the space. Everything of mine is in a backpack carryon ;) Carseats are installed, room is ready, vitamins are being taken (anticipating we will need just a 'little' boost of extra energy these next few weeks)! All we need now is the green light for travel!
Please pray for our little guy and his foster family as we are nearing that bittersweet family day! It has been one year last Friday since we were matched with our sweet boy. So many emotions that we know we need God's grace and peace and wisdom to navigate these next several weeks. I hope to sit down and write a better blog in the next few days and certainly as we get that travel call and spend some time in S Korea meeting and getting to know Taylor and seeing is birth country. There is so much more to tell about a precious friend who will be traveling with me (Michael is unable due to extenuating circumstances), the story of my getting time off from work, our plans for attachment, etc. So, until then, God bless!
Amanda
P.S. Oh yea, we are back in Louisiana! I miss Birmingham so much it hurts sometimes because we were so blessed/spoiled by God with such an amazing faith family and friends that demonstrate radical obediance and abandonment for the sake of the gospel on a regular basis, but we are enjoying being back around family and friends here on our home turf and being able to catch up with friends. We are working on getting plugged into a local church here and looking for an area to plant ourselves for at least the next few years :) I mean, who knows where God will send us!
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